Conversations I have with my cows

Posted in Uncategorized on September 1st, 2013 by Carnivorous Kale – Comments Off on Conversations I have with my cows

“Mooo.”
“Yes, I know. As you can see, I’m working on that right now.”
Mooooooo!”
“Seriously, we just had this conversation. I’m working as quickly as I can. It’s not my fault that THAT cow,” *points* “fucks off through the fences if I don’t do them right. Maybe you should talk to her about that?”
“MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!”
“Fuck you, cow.”

*twang*

Posted in Uncategorized on August 6th, 2013 by Carnivorous Kale – Comments Off on *twang*

Not playing the pedal steel anymore is interesting. I’m afraid that I’m like a kung-fu monk and that a honky-tonk band is going to approach me in their moment of direst need asking for help/twang and I’ll need to reluctantly pick up my bar, dust off my git-fiddle, and step on stage in order to save their village.

This will go badly, of course, because I no longer remember how to play the fucking thing.

Also, this is the result of an adulthood listening to Dale Watson and a childhood watching Toshiro Mifune movies. Seriously, who does that?

Euismod

Posted in Uncategorized on August 6th, 2013 by Carnivorous Kale – Comments Off on Euismod

I really want someone in a horror movie to read lorem ipsum as a dread incantation.

“Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit, sed diam nonummy nibh euismod tincidunt ut laoreet dolore magna aliquam erat volutpat.”

*I’d* be scared of the euismod if nothing else. Those guys are tentacles all the way down. And not the good kind of tentacles.

Classification

Posted in Uncategorized on May 17th, 2013 by Carnivorous Kale – Comments Off on Classification

“What do kangaroos eat?”
“I don’t know. Grass?”
“Can you be a ruminant and a marsupial?”
“I don’t think so.”
“So, Linnean taxonomy doesn’t support polyhierarchy?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Lame.”

Fucking goats.

Posted in Uncategorized on May 14th, 2013 by Carnivorous Kale – Comments Off on Fucking goats.

Texts I’ve sent to my partner: “Your goat is pandering to the worst sort of stereotypes. She is in a yard full of lush grass and literally eating a cardboard box that a fuel pump came in.”

She (my wife that is) requested that I post this. Pretty sure the goat is a disinterested party as long as she gets her cardboard box.

There’s a pun to be made about the wheels of justice grinding slow and the first gear of an NV4500 transmission being geared quite low, but I can’t come up with it it.

Posted in Uncategorized on April 25th, 2013 by Carnivorous Kale – Comments Off on There’s a pun to be made about the wheels of justice grinding slow and the first gear of an NV4500 transmission being geared quite low, but I can’t come up with it it.

Top theorists recognize that gender is much less a two-speed transaxle than an infinitely variable CVT like found in many gas/electric vehicles. While a locking differential has advantages in certain circumstances, there’s a reason that most go with at least a limited slip, if not an entirely open differential. We should all experiment with a double clutch at least once.

Also, be sure to come to a full stop when approaching an intersectionality.

Very Important Tractor Decisions!

Posted in Uncategorized on April 19th, 2013 by Carnivorous Kale – Comments Off on Very Important Tractor Decisions!

Should I buy a John Deere and paint it orange or should I buy a Kubota and paint it green?

Lockblades

Posted in Uncategorized on April 14th, 2013 by Carnivorous Kale – Comments Off on Lockblades

When I was young, my mother taught me to whittle. It was years before I realized one could make anything other than slightly narrower sticks.

Also, the memory of that red swiss army knife folding shut on my knuckles haunts me to this day. Hence the reason I carry at least two pocket knives with locking blades at all times.

Ronunism

Posted in Uncategorized on April 2nd, 2013 by Carnivorous Kale – Comments Off on Ronunism

So I’m watching too much Parks and Rec. I like to fancy myself a Ron Swanson. A communist Ron Swanson. A Communron Swanson.

Communism.

Seriously, I have a literal hammer and sickle over here.

What is best in life?

Posted in Uncategorized on April 2nd, 2013 by Carnivorous Kale – Comments Off on What is best in life?

To own two angle grinders. To see metal shavings driven before you and to hear the lamentations of your flap wheel.