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Actually true.

Posted in Uncategorized on January 3rd, 2017 by admin – Comments Off on Actually true.

We keep radios around the farm so we can talk to each other when we’re out of earshot. Generally, we keep one of them on so we don’t need to worry about someone in the trailer radioing someone in the house. Since they have something like 127 channels, we don’t get a lot of chatter from other people. One night, we had some people over (a rare occasion) and were sitting around shooting the shit.

Suddenly the radio goes off.

The people on it are just barely in range so it’s garbled.

We hear a man shouting into the radio, a woman responding in distress, and then a child’s voice.

And then nothing.

The radios don’t reach out of our valley.

Posted in Uncategorized on March 28th, 2016 by admin – Comments Off on

The first ranch I worked at was two sections in Montana. For reference, a section is 640 acres. They had roughly 300 cow-calf pairs of purebred Red Angus. So, red cows. They worked the cattle with Border Collies, as you do when you’ve got that many head. Now, as I assume you know, Border Collies are a predominantly black breed. Which is fine.
Then the neighbor’s Black Angus bull jumped the fence. Now, which you probably don’t know, black is the dominant trait in Angus cattle. Because of this, the resulting calf was born black.

Being used to being worked by Border Collies, every single one of those cattle was terrified of this black calf. She herded them by accident while looking for someone to be with her.

And that’s the story of the loneliest calf.

 

Posted in Uncategorized on March 28th, 2016 by admin – Comments Off on

True story: We used to have six ducks. My wife loves waterfowl and I hate them because, basically, they exist to foul water, right? DO NOT WANT!

Fucking three of the ducks drowned. Like seriously drowned. They climbed into a 60-gallon stock tank, forgot how to float, and fucking drowned. It wasn’t that they couldn’t get out of the stock tank, I fucking watched them get in and out! But they just went in it to swim, started floating, and then just… stopped. They sank.

I mean, floating is pretty much a core competency for a duck. That and having water run off their back is pretty much their deal, right?

But the ducks just kept sinking.

They just didn’t know how to float.

I should probably offer to help

Posted in Uncategorized on August 30th, 2015 by Carnivorous Kale – Comments Off on I should probably offer to help

My neighbor is out in his pasture chasing three horses around on a four-wheeler and now I can’t get the Benny Hill theme song out of my head.

No bass, just treble

Posted in Uncategorized on May 14th, 2015 by Carnivorous Kale – Comments Off on No bass, just treble

Second thing I’m going to do after we get our house built (first thing is do laundry), is hook my 30-yo tele to my 45-yo bassman, own my 39-yo middle age, and rip some fucking shit up. People could be injured. Have you heard the bridge pickup on a telecaster? ‪#‎overlivinginanRV‬ ‪#‎noSRSLYnobassjusttreble‬

Ratventures

Posted in Uncategorized on April 7th, 2015 by Carnivorous Kale – Comments Off on Ratventures

Farming is glamorous, right? So this morning I notice a rat tail sticking out of a feed sack, so I go tell Lauren that there’s a rat in the feed sack and she says, “Well, go get Ruby.” So I go get her dog, an enthusiastic ratter. And then I pull the feed sack out of the 55-gallon steel drum I’d been keeping it in (How the rat climbed into the drum I’ll never know.). Things going as they do, the rat runs out of the feed sack, caroms off my chest, and I swear loudly. The swearing scares the dog and she cowers, not even noticing the fat juicy rat that she should be chasing. I drop the feed sack and the feral chickens that live in that barn descend hungrily, depriving the pigs of needed food.

And life goes on in its bucolic fashion.

Oh, the storms.

Posted in Uncategorized on October 24th, 2013 by Carnivorous Kale – Comments Off on Oh, the storms.

It’s kind of exciting to have some Weather instead of just gentle rain. Reminds me of Wisconsin. On the other hand, I’m pretty sure one of my cows just fucking blew away. So that’s not great.

In Wisconsin it wasn’t a problem when the cows blew away. The holsteins would just shift from one farm to the next. Thus holstein parity was achieved. Since the initiating farm was some guy in Illinois nobody cared. On reflection, I feel a little bad for that farmer, but he’s from Illinois. I do wonder where he got his cows, though?

They want you to believe that they’re chewing their cud, but they’re really just biding their time…

Posted in Uncategorized on October 24th, 2013 by Carnivorous Kale – Comments Off on They want you to believe that they’re chewing their cud, but they’re really just biding their time…

In a world where cows eat farmers, a single strand of electric twine is the only thing that stands between humanity and being bodily devoured by a herd of ravenous cows.

Coming soon to a theater near you: The Ruminating!

Note to self

Posted in Uncategorized on October 24th, 2013 by Carnivorous Kale – Comments Off on Note to self

Do not leave the pickup parked in the hay barn. That’s where the turkeys hang out and, as a result, when I go to collect the truck, I need to fight off a half-dozen or so of what are basically very loving velociraptors.

Moving

Posted in Uncategorized on October 24th, 2013 by Carnivorous Kale – Comments Off on Moving

“Okay, there are some tentacles.” “Really” “It’s only a few tentacles.” “…” “Fine, I admit that there are a lot of tentacles, are you happy now?” “Not really” “Are you just saying that because you’re being dragged away by at least one of the aforementioned tentacles?” “No.” “This is about to become one of those situations where I regret not buying the big chainsaw, isn’t it?” “Maybe.”